So You Were a Farmboy or Farmgirl and Now You’re Not. What Now?
You were living your life and you were happy. Or at the very least you were content. You knew the shape of every day. You’d get up, you’d do your chores. At the end of the day you’d have fun with the people you lived with. Maybe they were friends and family who loved you like you loved them. Maybe they were just people who you worked with. In any case, you knew what was what.
And then that day came. That day where everything changed. You found out things you didn’t know before. Maybe you’re the hidden heir to the powerful: The King, A Dragon, maybe even the Evil you are fighting against. Maybe Destiny, the fickle bitch she is, has chosen you to get a needed job done. Maybe you found out your parents were heroes and they gave up their journey, or they were killed, and you’re the only one left to take up the reins. Maybe you’ve been prophesied for hundreds of years and finally you have come to do what you were meant to.
It sucks, I know. I’ve been there, too. But at least you have me to help you through this. Everything is going to be fine. I’m going to start at the beginning, because I don’t know when whatever kind soul gave you this to read. Whoever it was, thank them. Buy them a drink. They deserve it. And if no one gave you this and you had to find it on your own? Try not to blame everyone too badly.
This started, as always, in your hometown. You might have wanted a little more than your hometown. That’s okay, it’s normal. Try not to feel guilty about those feelings you had back then. There is nowhere else to go but forward. Maybe you lived in some kind of wasteland, struggling to survive but managing it, and now only you can bring prosperity back to the land. Or maybe everything was going fine and dandy, and now it is up to you to keep it that way and defeat the impending evil.
Try not to think “Why me?” too often. It isn’t healthy.
Then someone came to get you. Try not to kill them, they didn’t do anything to deserve that. And if they did, try not to torture them, you’re a hero not a villain! You may not know it yet, but they may not have had a choice. Someone may have even died to set you on your path. Try to be forgiving, that is how you’re going to get through this trying time.
You may have tried to refuse this path. If so, good on you! You’re smart. You’re going to do alright. If you’re still on this journey regardless, I’m sorry. Life’s a bitch, Destiny is a whore, and it isn’t fair but someone has to do it. Just know these things typically can’t be avoided. If you’re one of the poor souls who jumped at the chance to do this: try not to beat yourself up over your choice too badly. You couldn’t have known what this would entail when you started. You should have, but you were young, and probably no one told you or you didn’t believe them.
Along the way you’re going to meet a lot of new people. Don’t trust everyone. The wizard is probably an asshole – that’s normal. Innkeepers are typically okay souls, but be wary of the patrons. Find a gal or guy, no judging!, they’ll get you through this. Choose wisely, though, because in the end you’re probably going to end up with them! When meeting new people, go with your instinct, it is almost always correct. Also important: learn when to accept help, you’re not in this alone.
Treasure your friends. Trust them until they give you a reason to not trust them. You probably have a childhood friend along with you on this strange and terrifying journey. I’m sorry to say, no matter how much you insist you’re just friends, someone is going to think you’re the perfect couple. Just accept it, there is no reasoning against this strange phenomenon.
Your family members are either the best thing in your life or a bag of dicks, no inbetween. If, for some strange reason, one of your family members shows up midway through your journey: be wary. Be very wary. They’re important. Just know that even if they’re sweet to your face doesn’t mean they aren’t in on the problem. This is doubly true if you were orphaned or a long-lost heir.
You are probably also going to come across a lot of things that are going to help, or hinder, your journey. You’ve likely been given some very special relic by someone, such as a sword. These are typically okay to use. Otherwise, you should trust, but verify. Don’t just accept whatever is handed to you when someone says “Here, have this. It will help you.” Ask the terms and conditions of use! There is no good to come out of this journey if you sell your soul in the process!
Whatever you do, DO NOT PISS OFF THE GODS. Never, ever, ever do anything except make them happy. Sacrifice every virgin goat if you have to. The gods can make your life hell. In fact, I take that back. Don’t do anything at all to even make them notice you if you can help it. Even when they help you, it’s likely to bite you in the ass. If you’ve already drawn their attention or, fuck forbid, their ire, try not to let the bastards kill you. And avoid them from now on if you can.
When it comes to fighting, I’m of little help. Listen to your teachers, they always die before your training is complete. They know your body, your mind, and your situation better than I do. No matter how stupid they appear to you, they know what they’re talking about. Don’t get complacent, either. Just because you have plot armor for now, doesn’t mean you always will. You can die. Even if you come back afterward, dying is still a bitch. And you don’t always come back, either. Live every battle as if you won’t survive. You’ll survive that way.
In addition to fighting and completing your given task, you may be sent along to do other things such as:
- Fetch quests
- Deal with assholes
- Learn new skills at a rapid pace
- Dine with royalty and play political games
- Go undercover
- Survive in the Wilderness with no provisions and no funds
- Form Military Campaigns and engage in Siege Warfare
- Journey Across Seas. On Boats. That Rock and Sway and oh gods why me?
- Rule, either temporarily or permanently, over a land
- And more!
I hope you’re up to the task. Everyone is counting on you.
Lastly, know that everything you have ever loved or gained can be taken away from you at any moment. Treasure what you have, you never know how long it will last. Friends, lovers, family, money, tranquility, limbs and life. Anything can be taken from you.
The important thing to remember is not if there is going to be an end to this madness, but what are you going to do when you’re done. You can take all the money and prestige you’ve earned and damn well use it. If you have been offered the throne as the heir, you can damn well take it. But always remember you can return home and consider it a fight well fought and to try and forget anything ever happened. It’s up to you, but once you make your choice you’re going to have to live with it. No take-backsies.
Whichever is the case, know that you are only a tool. The author will use you time and time again. They’ll use you as a stand in for the reader, so the reader won’t feel left out. They’ll use you to solve all your problems. They’ll put you through hell and back, sometimes literally. Don’t trust them, don’t love them. The fucking psychopaths.