In the thralls of supernatural passion, Anita Blake faces a most human dilemma.
“I’m dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That’s seven men. I’m like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.”
Typically I write reviews for others. Not this time. This will be full of spoilers, both for present and future books. They will be filled with rants and maybe even a little gushing. I don’t want to read these again.
If you have read them before: Enjoy my pain.
If you haven’t: Enjoy my pain.
You have been warned, we’ll see how long I last.
I hate this book.
I hate these characters.
I hate these “romances”.
I hate everything that happened.
I hate how almost nothing in this book has any consequences to the future.
I hate how nothing happened in this book.
I hate this book.
I seriously considered leaving my review here but there is so much I have to get out. I hated this book so much. It was so bad. It had the worst story. Argh!
It starts with Anita Blake thinking she is pregnant, WHICH IS JUST AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS!, and gets worse from there. How does it get worse? Well, let me tell you.
God. Fuck you Richard. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU.
Anita Blake thinks she is pregnant because she is late, and she has never been late before. And she tells her newly reunited girl friend, who hates Anita because Anita gets to have the sex life Ronnie wants and can’t have. Ronnie can’t understand Anita wanting to have her romance life instead. And then Ronnie instantly pisses off Anita because 1) Ronnie isn’t a good person, 2) there are truths in there Anita doesn’t want to hear, and 3) Ronnie has a reaction to the news. Which Anita doesn’t like. She also doesn’t like no reaction. Get ready, BECAUSE THIS IS A THEME!
I hate Anita this book. So much.
When you’re fucking as many guys as Anita currently is, it gets tricky. I have no idea how many guys she has had sex with at this rate. I don’t even want to know, honestly. It just is ridiculous, really. Especially because every. single. one. of. them HAVE ISSUES. Her love interests are terrible people, or just broken in ways that are not endearing and only annoying. I’m jumping ahead in the book here, because it is spread out throughout the entire book, even during other actually important bullshit going on.
Any reaction anyone has to this news pisses Anita off. Like, she spent the entire book in one long rage. I get that this is a stressful time, and I would be okay with it if it wasn’t literally everything said and done by others that set her off. And if the last few books hadn’t have had increasingly more time where Anita spends pissed off at the others in her life. And if she didn’t get even more pissed off because they do what she is telling the to do, even if she is saying it non-verbally. It is just an absolute mess.
She also has little cause to be so upset with nearly everyone. NEARLY BECAUSE FUCK YOU RICHARD YOU SHIT. Mostly, everyone is either happy or worried, but they’re all behind Anita. EXCEPT RICHARD, WHO SHOULD GO EAT A DICK IF HE WANTS TO BE ONE SO BAD. Anita gets pregnant, and he assumes it is his? For some reason? Even though she has probably fucked at least 10 guys recently? And he gets piiiiiiiissed when he finds out Anita isn’t sure she’ll keep a baby. AND I SHOULD TELL YOU SHE HASN’T EVEN TAKEN A TEST AT THIS POINT! HOLY SHIT CALM THE FUCK DOWN. And honestly it just devolves from there because as soon as Richard realizes that, oh my god, he may not be the father after all, even more holy shit hits the fan.
Out of the 504 pages of this stupid book, probably at least 200 of it is devoted to this bullshitery. And you know what the conclusion is? NOT PREGNANT. All this bitching, all this assholery. And no baby. Thank christ, these people would be awful parents. But that’s not without a false positive test, too many stupid fights, and a doctors appointment with like 10 people, including the bodyguards, crammed into the damn room.
Conclusion: Anita’s fucked up body is fucking her menstrual cycles, gaming the test.
My theory, which will be infinitely cooler than anything Hamilton is going to do: Anita’s necromancy and the vampire marks are combining to create a new type of vampire and Anita is slowly becoming a type of undead never seen before. Which hopefully means no children ever because gods what a mess that would be.
And if that weren’t bad enough, the rest of the book is just utter nonsense.
Here is a rundown:
Several masters of the city are in town because of a fucking ballet. Can you believe this nonsense? Included in that number are two who are supposed to be allies but sure as shit don’t act like it.
One of them is mated to a mermaid siren. She’s a bit crazy. Her powers and Anita’s are similar. So similar, in fact, she brought her sons with her to have sex with Anita, to bring out their siren powers. And did I say that two of them are 17 year old twins? Yeah. And it gets even worse because oh my gods the pressure from these people to have sex with two people she doesn’t want to have sex with, and one of them doesn’t want to have sex with her. Two virgins. They want her to feed on two 17 year old virgins. How is that not the worst thing in this book?
The other ally, Anita AND Jean Claude end up having sex with in front of everyone. Because of a dominance thing. And he pushed them into it. And Anita loves it. Which she hates. Because ew not vanilla. Great, another new thing to feature in all of the sex scenes going forward: multiple guys in the same bed with her. And Augustine ends up utterly addicted to the two of them because of this. But oh no, somehow it is worse. Because Augustine used his powers to make Anita utterly fall in love with him while they fed on him. Until the end of time. How is that not the worst thing in this book?
And then, because of Anita’s reaction to Augustine and his werelions, they have to figure out if this is a one time thing. If Anita is going to keep drawing people to her to feed on. Spoiler: it’s not. Anita’s incessant drama involving her needing to have sex has left her woefully metaphysically malnourished. So she is drawing powerful people to her, to ensnare her in her magic pussy. Which changes everyone it touches to somehow be more of what Anita needs.
AND OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT COOKIE MONSTER FOR A MOMENT. Fuck him, too. He is one of the ones Anita is drawing to her. Because her inner lioness needs a mate. And it is going through a bad boy phase. And Anita just can’t help herself because all the lions nearby are pathetic, whining creatures. What she needs is a real man. A man like Cookie Monster. Fuck. I hate this book.
The worst thing is that everything I have talked about about so far has taken up probably 90% of the book so far. That’s right, the ballet takes up maybe 10 percent of the whole thing? And the ballet itself is mostly anticlimactic. In fact, the entire book is. The only “real” thing to take about, in regards to the series, is the fact that Marmee Noir attacked Anita, because she wants Anita’s flesh suit for her own so she can awaken again.
I hate this book.