I read a lot of weird stuff. Everyone close to me knows this because I share with them the weird things I read, sometimes in detail. These oddball things mostly don’t make it into the reviews, though. Most of them are spoilers, some of them I just can’t slip in easily without going “EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS WEIRD SHIT”. It is difficult to share them, so I’m making a post dedicated to it.

I actually read so many things that are so utterly weird, that I’ve quite forgotten most of them. Some of the weird things I read have become so normalised by all the other weird things I read I don’t even realise they are weird anymore. Coming up with this list was actually pretty hard because I hadn’t prepared for it throughout the year.

5. A computer running an entire town using a vampire’s brain

Thinking on it, a computer that runs using a brain isn’t really a new thing. I’ve seen it before. In like, old movies from the 80s or something. The weird part is that it is a vampire brain. And that it runs the magic in town.

Oh, also that the brain is absolutely insane.

There is a virus or disease or something that is running around the vampires in town and slowly turning them crazy. They forget who they are, and all they care about is the blood. Somehow, this craziness managed to spread into the brain running the magic around the town. As you can imagine, this leads to absolutely nothing good.

4. Band battle for fae court hierarchy.

This is a story that goes way, way back. If you’ve read enough fae you’ve come across this story. The winter and summer courts, the unseelie and seelie courts of the sidhe, fight. One side wins and has power over the earth. Sometimes whoever the winner is is preordained, such as in Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files. Summer always wins in summer, Winter always wins in winter.

Sometimes it isn’t so preordained. Sometimes, whoever is the winner has real consequences on the Earth.

And apparently sometimes it is solved by a battle of the bands. Each Court has chosen their champion, and the champion has to fight. This probably wouldn’t have been so weird had the rest of the book at all suggested this could have been a thing. There was an epic battle between the two sides earlier in the book, even. This played out like a serious story all the way until the end. And he end to this book was straight out of an anime. I actually put down the book when it came to this scene and questioned every one of my life choices and reviewed the entire book trying to figure out where exactly this ending came from. It came from nowhere.

3. Mad scientist heart transplant to finish vampire transition

I have seen a lot of weird vampires. I have seen a lot of odd ideas of what it means to be a vampire and how to change from human into one of the undead (if they’re even that, it isn’t always a given). I have never seen a heart transplant used as a transition device.

This series was already weird when it came to vampire hearts. Only the human heart could lead to the destruction of the vampire, they grew a vampire heart. The heart could be taken out and stored someplace safe.

The transition had already failed once due to the human heart already being severely damaged. It stalled out. So what do they do when they love them enough to want to change them? They put the vampire’s heart (which I must note was in a plastic baggie at this point in the scene) in the human. Good thing the main character was a doctor, huh? Not only is it weird because of this transplantation nonsense, but it is also weird because this means two vampires are sharing one heart! If the heart is destroyed, both are going to be dead. Unbelievable.

Best part is, one of the side characters was so disgusted by what they were doing he had to walk out. He thought this whole idea was an abomination. Can’t say I disagree, there.

2. Starting a romantic relationship with a car ghost

I’ve come to accept weird things from the author who wrote this one. I’ve read pretty much every other thing she has written, and she has had some weird things in her books. Somehow, I still was not prepared for this.

It is somehow even weirder than it sounds. Not only is she dating a car that is a ghost, this is also the ghost of her boyfriend from when she was alive as a teenager. 60 something years ago. Her boyfriend actually loved her so much, he was able to track down some of the weirdest people you would ever meet as a human, and found a way to actually turn him into a ghost. A ghost car. Not even a ghost person. It involved loving the car itself so much the car got a part of his personality. He had to actually imbue this car with himself and his love for the main character. Then when he died he had someone kill the car so the car could get a ghost. I just.. what?

Somehow it gets weirder.

He can’t talk. He has to use the radio to communicate. Through songs. Actually, I can’t figure out if I’d be more weirded out if the car could talk or not.

Panting, I slump back in my seat. “You okay, honey?”
Gary’s radio spins; “Back in Black” blasts briefly through the cabin.
“Oh, good.” I sigh deeply, unfastening my belt. “I’ll be back. I hope.”
Gary doesn’t have an answer for that. The radio clicks off just before I shut the door.

In the sequel, the question of how you fuck a car is brought up. I don’t know if I want to know the answer to that one.

1. A washing machine giving birth.

This will probably always be my number one weirdest scene. In a book full of “what the fuck did I just read?”, this takes the top of them all. The entire thing is delightfully bizarre, and I loved every moment of it. I just cannot get it out of my mind.

It isn’t just that a washing machine is giving birth. No, it goes into detail what is going on. It gets graphic. How graphic can a washing machine giving birth be, you ask? You’ll have to read and find out, because it is hilariously graphic. Just as weird as this entire scenario is, what the washing machine is releasing into the world is delightfully bizarre.

I loved this entire thing, but it was just so. damn. weird. I basically read the entire thing with my mouth hanging open in awe and giggles slipping out periodically. I really recommend the entire book if you like weird things.

To save myself all the “What is Number ??” questions, I’ll put a key here. Just highlight to reveal the answer you want. Just remember, some of these really are spoilers.

5. Rachel Caine’s Morganville series (books 5-7 or so)
4. Emma Bull’s War for the Oaks
3. Jennifer Armintrout’s All Souls’ Night
2. Seanan McGuire’s Sparrow Hill Road
1. Cory Doctorow’s Someone Comes to Town, Someone Leaves Town